I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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