it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
