Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
