Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
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