So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
