guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
