Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
