My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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