I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
