I'm jealous of your bromance
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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