I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
