And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
