shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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