The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
