OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
True but thats because hes a fetus.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
