Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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