I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
