I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
