I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
