if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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