we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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