So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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