porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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