Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
