your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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