Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
