I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
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