Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
