Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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