I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
