I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
