I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
