She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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