i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
you never un-have a 4some
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
