I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
