I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
