The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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