but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
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thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
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he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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