Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
