When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
