what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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