All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
