I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
