They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
