You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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