I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
