I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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