**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
