Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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