my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
