Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
