New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
false alarm. still invincible.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
