Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
