you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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