If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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